Commend your past to God's mercy;
Commend your future to God's providence;
Consecrate your present to God's love.
My husband sent these words to me when I was deployed in 2010. I can't imagine the strength it took for him to send me these words since I betrayed him during my previous deployment. But that's the kind of man he is. So strong. Although for a long time he questioned his strength.
For a while when we were working on reconciliation he thought others who knew of our situation would view him as weak. Weak for staying with a woman who would betray him. And every time he brought up his feelings I tried so hard to make him see that he was in fact the strongest man I knew.
He forgave me before I could even think about forgiving myself. And although last week I blogged that I didn't know how I forgave myself, it was through this week's reading that I think I may have found the answer. Or at least part of the answer.
I was dwelling so much on the past that I couldn't deal with the past and move forward. I kept seeing who I was and couldn't see the new person that I was becoming. I kept seeing who I was and couldn't see the person Jesus could see. And I kept seeing who I was and couldn't see the person that my husband was actually able to see.
I've also learned this week that actions in our past may describe us, but they don't define us. I have changed how I define myself. I used to define myself by my failures. Now I define myself as a faithful follower of Christ, a wife who strives to improve each day, and a mother who strives to be more patient each day.
I've learned to commend my past to God's mercy. He is so merciful that he forgave me before anyone else did, or really, before anyone else could.
I absolutely consecrate my present to God's love. His love is so sacred. His love is enough. His love has to come before all else. For a while after I betrayed my husband, I started putting my husband before all else. And I did need to put him before myself, and before some others, but I learned that no matter how much I love my husband, I cannot put him before Jesus.
And I am commending my future to God's providence. By doing so, I strive to help others who have been affected by infidelity. Some of the people I have helped have been the betrayer. Some have been the betrayed. I pray that I am able to provide something to these people who are in so much pain, whether the pain was put upon them by their loved ones or whether that pain was self-inflicted.
I came across this quote earlier this week and it sums up exactly what I had been praying for. I believe this is where I am at finally.
"She had been forgiven, so she could forgive. She had been set free, so she could lead other captives to freedom. She knew she belonged to Him and invited others into the Father’s love. She had been broken but now she was beautiful— an offering of God’s forgiveness and grace."
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Finding Unfailing Love
Note: This post deals with infidelity. If you have been affected by infidelity, this post may cause triggers.
I don't remember the date that I found Jesus. I used to envy those people who remember the exact date they found Jesus. I mean, it's a pretty important date, right? But I finally realized the date that I found Him doesn't matter as much as the fact that I did find Him. What I do remember is that the journey was long and the journey was painful. Not only for me, but for my husband.
My husband and I met in 1992. I was at my first duty assignment in the military and he was getting ready to leave that military base and go on a one-year remote tour. We got married while he was visiting me on his mid-tour in 1993. My husband is Catholic and I was raised Jewish. Our wedding was a civil ceremony and it wasn't until our son's baptism that we had our marriage blessed in a Catholic church.
Over the years, I did very well in the military and I started to put the military above everything else, including my marriage and our children. Work was where I felt worthy. Whenever I was needed at work, I would drop whatever I was doing and take care of work.
I was successful in the military but I didn't feel I was successful as a wife and mother. Hindsight would show me that if I had invested my passion and time in my husband and children, I would probably have been a better wife and mother.
When my son was in elementary school, he started asking questions about Jesus. In 2003 I converted to Catholicism. Not because I felt led to but because I wanted to be able to answer my son's questions about his faith. I went to church and stood when everyone else did, kneeled with everyone else, said "Peace be with you" when I was supposed to. But I never felt like a Catholic. My husband even said once during Mass that it looked like I was "going through the motions." I was mad that he felt this way but, looking back ... he was right!
During all this time, despite putting my family second, or third, my husband still put me on a pedestal. And so it was especially shocking for him to see me fall from this pedestal.
In 2006, I was deployed to Iraq. I worked the night shift. Twelve hours a day, seven days a week for six months. I was the one of the only women in a huge building full of military men. I wanted to fit in so I emulated the men. I swore like they did, I joked around inappropriately like they did.
During the deployment, I worked, slept, went to the gym and repeated the cycle. Except on Sundays. I was relieved for an hour to go to church. I didn't really go to church to be closer to God. I went to take a break from the mind-numbing routine of work/sleep/work out.
Eventually, one of my co-workers and I got too close. I won't go into details but we did have a physical affair in Iraq and we continued with an emotional affair for a few months afterwards, when we were back with our respective spouses.
I could give so many excuses as to why I did what I did. Now, seven years later, it doesn't matter if I was trying to fill a void, or if I was flattered by all the attention or if I felt as if I got in over my head. What matters is that I willingly chose to betray my husband.
Over the years, and through much soul-searching, I've come to the realization that this would not have happened had I put all my trust into Jesus and turned to him when I was struggling. Sure, I was going to church during the deployment, but I was only going through the motions. I was going to church the weeks leading up to the slippery slope of adultery. But I wasn't giving my all to Jesus.
I know now that He could see what I was doing in Iraq. And some people might say, "Well, if He saw what you were about to do, why didn't He stop it?" And to that I say, we have free will and I freely and willingly made the decision to commit adultery.
Jesus stepped in at the exact place and time I most needed him. He was there to guide me through the painfully rocky road to reconciliation. He was there for my husband who needed a miracle to help him decide whether or not to divorce me. He provided that miracle to my husband in the form of a home run during a Phillies game (true story). He was there when I thought about driving off a cliff, thinking my family would be better off without me.
Jesus was there to show me that if He could forgive me, and my husband could forgive me, I should forgive myself.
It's been written that it takes two to five years to recover from infidelity, whether the end result is reconciliation or divorce. I knew from the day that I confessed -- during a phone call where I screamed "Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" -- that we would be on the five-year path. And my husband did tell me he forgave me at the third year mark. But just because my husband forgave me, it still took more than three years to get back to a place where he could trust me and have any respect for me.
And it took way more than five years before I could look in the mirror and see something other than a whore, a bad mother, a bad wife. It took a long time for me to have any respect for myself. But thankfully, I found Jesus along the way.
And thankfully, with Jesus' unfailing love, I am finally able to look in the mirror and see a woman worthy of unfailing love. And I will never take that love for granted. This is what I believe self-forgiveness is. I can't explain to anyone how I forgave myself -- I just know that I couldn't have done it without His unfailing love.
As Jason Gray says in his song "I am New" -- "I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new. I am chosen and holy, and I'm dearly loved. I am new."
From "A Confident Heart" page 63: "Thank you that Your love never fails, even when I do. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You and praise You as long as I live."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. Since that deployment in 2006-2007, I had one more deployment, again to Iraq, in 2010. It was tough, and my husband and I both had many triggers to work through; however, we were prepared for those triggers and we talked through them and we survived the deployment. Today I am so blessed to say that we are thriving and enjoying our lives together. Our love has been remade, we are new.
I don't remember the date that I found Jesus. I used to envy those people who remember the exact date they found Jesus. I mean, it's a pretty important date, right? But I finally realized the date that I found Him doesn't matter as much as the fact that I did find Him. What I do remember is that the journey was long and the journey was painful. Not only for me, but for my husband.
My husband and I met in 1992. I was at my first duty assignment in the military and he was getting ready to leave that military base and go on a one-year remote tour. We got married while he was visiting me on his mid-tour in 1993. My husband is Catholic and I was raised Jewish. Our wedding was a civil ceremony and it wasn't until our son's baptism that we had our marriage blessed in a Catholic church.
Over the years, I did very well in the military and I started to put the military above everything else, including my marriage and our children. Work was where I felt worthy. Whenever I was needed at work, I would drop whatever I was doing and take care of work.
I was successful in the military but I didn't feel I was successful as a wife and mother. Hindsight would show me that if I had invested my passion and time in my husband and children, I would probably have been a better wife and mother.
When my son was in elementary school, he started asking questions about Jesus. In 2003 I converted to Catholicism. Not because I felt led to but because I wanted to be able to answer my son's questions about his faith. I went to church and stood when everyone else did, kneeled with everyone else, said "Peace be with you" when I was supposed to. But I never felt like a Catholic. My husband even said once during Mass that it looked like I was "going through the motions." I was mad that he felt this way but, looking back ... he was right!
During all this time, despite putting my family second, or third, my husband still put me on a pedestal. And so it was especially shocking for him to see me fall from this pedestal.
In 2006, I was deployed to Iraq. I worked the night shift. Twelve hours a day, seven days a week for six months. I was the one of the only women in a huge building full of military men. I wanted to fit in so I emulated the men. I swore like they did, I joked around inappropriately like they did.
During the deployment, I worked, slept, went to the gym and repeated the cycle. Except on Sundays. I was relieved for an hour to go to church. I didn't really go to church to be closer to God. I went to take a break from the mind-numbing routine of work/sleep/work out.
Eventually, one of my co-workers and I got too close. I won't go into details but we did have a physical affair in Iraq and we continued with an emotional affair for a few months afterwards, when we were back with our respective spouses.
I could give so many excuses as to why I did what I did. Now, seven years later, it doesn't matter if I was trying to fill a void, or if I was flattered by all the attention or if I felt as if I got in over my head. What matters is that I willingly chose to betray my husband.
Over the years, and through much soul-searching, I've come to the realization that this would not have happened had I put all my trust into Jesus and turned to him when I was struggling. Sure, I was going to church during the deployment, but I was only going through the motions. I was going to church the weeks leading up to the slippery slope of adultery. But I wasn't giving my all to Jesus.
I know now that He could see what I was doing in Iraq. And some people might say, "Well, if He saw what you were about to do, why didn't He stop it?" And to that I say, we have free will and I freely and willingly made the decision to commit adultery.
Jesus stepped in at the exact place and time I most needed him. He was there to guide me through the painfully rocky road to reconciliation. He was there for my husband who needed a miracle to help him decide whether or not to divorce me. He provided that miracle to my husband in the form of a home run during a Phillies game (true story). He was there when I thought about driving off a cliff, thinking my family would be better off without me.
Jesus was there to show me that if He could forgive me, and my husband could forgive me, I should forgive myself.
It's been written that it takes two to five years to recover from infidelity, whether the end result is reconciliation or divorce. I knew from the day that I confessed -- during a phone call where I screamed "Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" -- that we would be on the five-year path. And my husband did tell me he forgave me at the third year mark. But just because my husband forgave me, it still took more than three years to get back to a place where he could trust me and have any respect for me.
And it took way more than five years before I could look in the mirror and see something other than a whore, a bad mother, a bad wife. It took a long time for me to have any respect for myself. But thankfully, I found Jesus along the way.
And thankfully, with Jesus' unfailing love, I am finally able to look in the mirror and see a woman worthy of unfailing love. And I will never take that love for granted. This is what I believe self-forgiveness is. I can't explain to anyone how I forgave myself -- I just know that I couldn't have done it without His unfailing love.
As Jason Gray says in his song "I am New" -- "I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new. I am chosen and holy, and I'm dearly loved. I am new."
From "A Confident Heart" page 63: "Thank you that Your love never fails, even when I do. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You and praise You as long as I live."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. Since that deployment in 2006-2007, I had one more deployment, again to Iraq, in 2010. It was tough, and my husband and I both had many triggers to work through; however, we were prepared for those triggers and we talked through them and we survived the deployment. Today I am so blessed to say that we are thriving and enjoying our lives together. Our love has been remade, we are new.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
How #Perfect Love has helped me discover the shadow of my doubts
When we found out that the next door neighbors at our new home had a 13-year old, we were so happy! We were moving to a strange new town, in a strange new state, and we were worried about how well our 13-year old daughter would adjust to living in an area where there aren't 20 other kids her own age living in the neighborhood. My husband and I weren't too worried about how well they would get along. We just joked about how we certainly hoped they got along since we were going to live out in "the middle of nowhere."
When we moved here, we invited our neighbors over and our husbands really hit it off -- they had so much in common. The wife and I seemed to hit it off okay. At least I thought we did. However, after a few cold shoulders and a lack of interest on her part for car-pooling (after she initially suggested it), I asked my husband, "Is it me? What did I do wrong?"
The shadow of self-doubt began growing larger after each interaction with my neighbor. It was something I started to obsess over. Is it because I seemed squeamish about the country life? Or when I said something about how I didn't cook much? Could she sense my insecurities as a parent? Maybe because she's a super parent who makes cookies and homemade jam, she couldn't possibly see what she could benefit from my friendship.
I reached out to my dear friend from our old town. Oh, how I missed talking with her. SHE liked me, despite my shortcomings, perceived or otherwise! I wrote to her and explained what was going on and rambled on about all my failings.
She wrote back and said, "Maybe it's not you, maybe it's her. She probably feels a little insecure around you." It never occurred to me that the problem might be my neighbor's, not mind. Now, that may not be true, but it did get me thinking. Maybe I've been too harsh on myself. And maybe I shouldn't worry so much about why my neighbor doesn't want to be my friend. After all, there are plenty of other people out there who may be more readily able to see my strengths and look past my weaknesses, perceived or otherwise!
I decided that I need to accept the fact that she and I may never be the best of friends. However, we are going to be neighbors for a long time so I make it a point not to hide from her. When her husband is around mine, I always ask how his wife is doing. When she and I do cross paths, I make a point of asking how she has been doing. It's the neighborly thing to do and I am realizing I don't have anything to be ashamed of in this non-relationship. I'm learning that just because she hasn't taken a liking to me, that doesn't mean I have done anything wrong.
With God's perfect love, I know I don't need to worry about changing who I am just so I can be friends with my neighbor. And now that I'm reflecting on the times that I doubt myself, I can work on stomping out the self-doubt monster that looms tall in the background.
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"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." (1 John 5:14)
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